Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
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My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts