I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
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My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.