Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
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{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
good let them take over I have had enough
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.