My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
You Might Also Like
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]