I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
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Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Thoughts
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
I said we supposed to be saving our money.