Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
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It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.