I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.