[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
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A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
new year update: losing everything but weight
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
KFC hitting the cannibal market
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
time for some seasonal decor
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.