Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
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I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
prepare for carbonated trouble
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
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If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Seas the day!!!!
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me