My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
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If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
real
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Salad is the decaf of food.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.