M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
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Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
I don’t make the rules sorry