God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
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American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!