Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
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Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
I need this for my side hustle.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.