[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
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One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick