Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.