Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
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Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Sponch
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?