I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
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*limbos away from your hug*
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.