That eye roll….
You Might Also Like
My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
New menu item
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.