[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
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Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Not recommended for beginners.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys