Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
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being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
How did we not see this back then?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.