If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Jupiter
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo