Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
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Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Its true…
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW