I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.