I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
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My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I am yelling
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.