My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
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Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.