“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
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“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
“That’s what” – She
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
My wedding will be open casket.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.