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Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?