“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
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I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.