#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
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*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
No Google it does not