If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
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The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.