THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
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Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”