A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
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Not my job 😂
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
President The Rock Obama
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.