So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
You Might Also Like
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.