[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
I remember when things only cost an arm.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Guys, I found it.
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.