ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
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Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
i actually laughed 😩
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Its true…
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running