[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
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The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs