Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
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[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
My last name is Zilla.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?