One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
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Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”