God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
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I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
how do y’all walk in shallow water
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.
The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
mmm onion ringos
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.