The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
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Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
This is the coolest video you will see today.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?