The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
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Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?