As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
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When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep