Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
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I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Children of the corn 🌽
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.