Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
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her: i only eat like once a day itâs called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevinâs parents bought this house for like $250K.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Please donât forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when sheâs going to start having babies.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. đ€·ââïžđ
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Siri: Retweet me.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day đ
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I donât like peanut butter anymore.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No itâs a chippy chip
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo