Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
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I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?