All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
You Might Also Like
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist