On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
You Might Also Like
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring