When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
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Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now