“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
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People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
What is going on? 😅
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow