[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
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If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Software Development ⛵️
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster